There are lots of things swimming around in my head and i feel i have to try and channel them, so they will quit crashing into each other. my time is so limited anymore for writing or pondering or meditating, to the point that lots of things have been discombobulated.

i read a wonderful blog yesterday about being a good submissive, and it really expressed a lot of things i've been trying to communicate to G, but haven't found the right words. He found it very helpful and informative, and said it opened His eyes to a lot of the things i had been trying to tell Him. It really got me to thinking "am i submissive even if i'm not being told to submit?" The answer is yes, of course. However, i've noticed myself letting more and more things go. There have been times over the past few weeks, that G would be doing something for Himself, and i've thought "i should be doing that, but He looks like He's got it under control, so i'll just keep my seat." As a submissive, the thought was there. What was missing was the "Oh my God! Why didn't He tell me to do that? He must be mad at me - He's not letting me serve Him! What did i do to get in trouble?" By the same token, He let me get away with not taking care of His needs & wants. One of the things that He desperately loves about me, is my anticipation of His needs. Silly little things, like how i'll show up with a towel when He's done with His shower because He forgot to get one. "Anticipating a need.", He'll say when i do things like that. Which is His way of saying "good girl" and showing me that He appreciated it and noticed that i'm thinking of Him and taking care of Him. The both of us had just become sort of complacent about some things. Last night, we had a good talk about the direction of our relationship, the realization of things that we've let slip, and how we're going to change them. i expressed to G how i think we have a better relationship as a D/s couple than we ever had as a vanilla couple. When something isn't working, it's discussed and a solution found. Not like before, where He had His path, and i had my path, and neither of them were ever going to meet in the middle. There's more of a bond than ever before. In our vanilla relationship, there were too many times where we let things slide, not calling attention to things that neither of us liked, just blowing it off, shrugging our shoulders, rolling our eyes and continuing on.

Sometimes, i have thought that i must be such a pain the ass. i have truly wondered at times, what is He really getting out of this relationship? It must be exhausting to have to come up with tasks, decide what direction a scene is going to take, tell me what to do. All this and work a full time job with a lousy commute everyday and have a family life as well. But, it's become clear to me, that i'm working just as hard at it too in the things that i do. Domination and submission IS indeed work. But that's the beauty of it as well. There's a much higher awareness of each other, our actions, our reactions, our thoughts. i need to be told what to do. i need to be held accountable for things. i need to be punished when i do wrong. All these things really do keep me close to Him, remind me who i am and what purpose i serve. i need to be made to feel dependent upon Him. This is how i know i am loved & cared for. i need these things to make me feel safe. i need these mental reminders as much, if not more, as i need the physical ones. When i have these things, i'm at my happiest. He's at His happiest. We're ebbing and flowing, yinging and yanging, movin' to the groovin'.

i have two necklaces that are my "outside" collars. i may wear either that i choose each day. G bought them for me so i could blend into the vanilla world, yet still be collared. Putting it on is as much a part of my morning routine as brushing my teeth. Each morning, i check to make sure i have my chap stick, pens, sunglasses, cell phone, collar. There have been 2 times that i've almost been late to work because i've realized i left home without my collar and had to turn around and come get it. Yes, i know that's silly - i am who and what i am even if it's not around my neck. i know that once i got home and G asked me where my collar was, i could explain that i forgot it and i would have been late for work if i had to come back and get it. But that's not the point. The point is, i would have been miserable all day without it. Each time i touched my neck and it wasn't there, i would feel that i had disappointed Him. They are not necklaces that scream "I'M A SUBMISSIVE!" They are pretty. Their meaning is known only to G & myself. To the outside world, it's just a necklace. With or without it around my neck, i'm always reminded of His words when He gave them to me, telling me that i was never to be out of the house without wearing one. When i'm wearing it, i smile when i think of that. If i'm not wearing it, i'm on the brink of tears remembering that.

The mental behind the physical always makes the physical that much more pleasurable & gratifying.

How does one explain what it is to be a masochist? How do you make people understand that i won't have an orgasm if i stump my toe or cut myself while shaving?

For me, my masochist side doesn't care much about the actual physical pain at all. It's all about the mind fuck that precedes the pain. The knowing that things will be done to my body that i have no control over. When the physical pain becomes intense, that small little voice whispers in my head "Ah, testing a boundary. He's seeing how far you'll really go before it's too much." That comfort that dwells inside as we go through our day to day humdrum of things. Him keeping me close by His side and His expectation of my good behavior.

i don't consider the spankings, whippings, clothes pins, weights, clamps, bondage or being pissed on as erotic foreplay. The foreplay for me is being told that i am His. It's being made to feel like i can't survive without Him. It's that detached, empty lonely feeling i get when He walks out the door. It's the momentary panic i feel when He doesn't answer the phone. It's the way i catch myself thinking about His reaction and decision before i have my own reaction or make my own decision. It's not planning anything with my friends before checking with Him. Or declining all together because i'd rather spend time with Him, even if He would approve and let me go. my decision made to stay close to Him, where i'm supposed to be. This makes maye a good girl & a happy G.

In thinking about things and comparing how i used to be to how i am now, i see that i have been submissive in several ways and didn't actually know it. Funny how now that there's this "D/s" label, i tend to think about it more.

For years, i've done things that were submissive to Him and neither of us caught it. For example, His ex-wife used to wear purple eyeshadow. He told me once, shortly after we got together, how much He hated the way she would wear purple eyeshadow and how horrible it looked. So, guess what? i threw out all my purple eyeshadow. Even though i liked my purple eyeshadow. He's always been free to make His own plans and "do His own thing", while i've always been the one to check calendars, plan for a sitter if needed or take the kids with me, and usually always felt guilty about doing something for myself. i've constantly put my needs and wants on the back burner, while tending to His. When He would tell me to do something, i would do it, even if i didn't want to. i've never discussed problems in our relationship with anyone. i've always kept out personal business as our personal business.

Some days, i feel very numb. Things will happen and i think "i'm supposed to feel very angry about that" and i wait for it, but it doesn't come. i used to cry a lot. But i don't anymore. i used to throw things and slam doors and pitch fits. But i don't anymore. i used to yell. But i don't anymore. i think i've finally reached the point of acceptance. That this is who i am, how things are and have always been. There's no need to fight it anymore. There's no worrying about what someone will think. Sometimes, i wish i could cry. It's ridiculous, but i'll try to talk myself into crying. i sit there and go "come on...if you cry, you'll feel better." But nothing comes. The energy that it would take for me to get angry enough to slam a door, would probably wear me out so much i'd have to take a nap.

Back to the whole pain thing. Without the foreplay of the mind fuck, the pain becomes nothing more than Him doing painful things to me. It doesn't turn me on, it doesn't make me coo, it just hurts. i can't be left to my own devices, able to make my own decisions, doing my thing without a care in the world, totally independent, and when the paddle hits my butt, suddenly think "Yes Sir...i'm submissive." It just don't work that way for me. my submission is not tied to the bdsm. It is all about making the conscious effort to put Him first. To think before i do or say. Likewise, it's about His Dominance. His control of me, letting me know that i am His good girl, that i matter to Him, when i've done things that displease Him. It's both of us being in touch with each other's needs. All the physical acts - even those outside of the bedroom - are merely by products of the mind fuck.

A few weeks back, i was driving to work, flipping through the radio channels and came across a country song that i hadn't heard in a long time. i began listening and singing along, and realized, even though it's by Garth Brooks, the words meant something to me as a submissive woman. You simply change the word "man" to "woman" or "girl", and voila! When i got home that evening, i looked up the lyrics online and shared my thoughts with G. He suggested i post it here and share it.

The word - shameless - certainly is the way i feel. There's not one thing about my body i won't share with G anymore. There's nothing i won't do to please Him or if He tells me to do it. There's nothing about my body that is private anymore. There's nothing about my thoughts and feelings that are private anymore. Not everyone would understand it all. i wouldn't even attempt to explain it to even my best friends. i could just see their eyebrows creeping up their heads, eyes bulging, head tilted, saying "And while you were wearing your leash, collar, and butt plug kneeling on the back porch, G did what?" hehehehehe

The "Menstruation Goddess" has shined on me most graciously this month. i got my period a week early, and after my "WHAT THE HELL?!" moment, realized that i will be done with it in time for G's birthday this weekend. Our boys are going to spend a week with their grandparents out of state, so the timing is perfect. i cannot wait to walk around the house naked, sit at G's feet to eat dinner, and make NOISE while being tortured to orgasm. G mentioned tying me up in the kitchen between two beams that we have. Eeeeeeeee! i can't wait!

When we first started this "journey", i was a little confused. It seemed like the Dom takes and the sub gives. But what we've learned is that it's a balance of give and take from and to the both of us. The more we share and learn and experiment, the more each of us benefits from it. The more open and honest we are with each other, the more harmony there is. It sounds vanilla, but it goes much deeper than that. If He says it has to be done, then it does. No ifs, ands, or buts. No whining or trying to get out of it. He doesn't let me procrastinate and try to get out of doing things.

i cannot remember the last time i was angry. The kind of anger that makes you shake all over, your gut tie in a knot and your teeth clench. Hadn't had it in a long time. If i do start to rant, or get frustrated, all G has to do is tell me "That's enough" or "Quit". And i'm able to take a breath and let it go. And i'm getting better at being able to reel myself in on my own too. i'm a very calm person now. And that not only benefits me & G, but our whole family and every relationship that i have with other people.

Well, i guess this is all for now. i just had a few thoughts that i needed to get out. The lyrics for the song follow.

Shameless by Garth Brooks

Well I'm shameless when it comes to loving you
I'll do anything you want me to
I'll do anything at all

And I'm standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby, that's what's left of me
Don't have very far to fall

You know now I'm not a girl who's ever been
Insecure about the world I've been living in
I don't break easy, I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I'm shameless, oh honey, I don't have a prayer
Every time I see you standin' there
I go down upon my knees

And I'm changing, swore I'd never compromise
Oh, but you convinced me otherwise
I'll do anything you please

You see in all my life I've never found
What I couldn't resist, what I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can't walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I've made myself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's your world now, I can't refuse
I've never had so much to lose
Oh, I'm shameless

You know it should be easy for a girl who's strong
To say she's sorry or admit when she's wrong
I've never lost anything I've ever missed
But I've never been in love like this

It's out of my hands

I'm shameless, I don't have the power now
I don't want it anyhow
So I got to let it go

Oh, I'm shameless, shameless as a girl can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted to you to know

Oh, I'm shameless, I just wanted you to know
Oh, I'm shameless, Oh, I'm down on my knees... shameless

i have been in a state of reflection for the past few weeks. i have come to realize that i am experiencing life after death each and every day now. Not in the physical sense, but in the emotional sense. After having been emotionally dead for so long, i now welcome each day with a renewed sense of appreciation for everyone and everything around me.

Each emotion that i have - even the bad ones - are proof that i'm alive. That i'm real. i'm no longer grumpy all the time. i don't constantly watch the clock, frustrated about how slow the minutes are passing or how long something is taking. i don't hide behind an exterior of stone anymore, afraid that someone will see that i'm not as "together" as i appear to be.

This reflection period has also caused me to look at the people around me, see things from a different perspective, and sometimes shake my head because they "just don't get it". They focus on so many things that are a waste of their energy. So many trivial things.

i know 2 women who have survived cancer, yet don't completely appreciate it. Granted, and thankfully, for both of them, their cancer was caught at a very early stage, and the treatments were successful. But it's as though once the initial scare wore off and their doctors told them they were clear, they fall back into their old ways. i just want to sit them both down and say "Look. It does not matter who is leaving nasty messages on your My Space page, because this person obviously never left 6th grade, so let's just consider them retarded and not pay any attention to it. And honestly, what would you do with her if you did find out who it is? It doesn't matter that the Dooney & Burke purse you carry cost several hundred dollars. Could i please see the real you? i know not your natural hair color, your natural skin color, or what your face really looks like because your makeup is WAY too thick. Do you have freckles? Your hair, teeth, boobs, tan, and even your fingernails are all man made. This in turn, has made your heart and personality fake as well. It's very sad. And please don't talk to me about how broke you are as you drive your Acura into your exclusive country club neighborhood to your 5 bedroom house, and your 10 year old has a 52" big screen in his playroom. If you are truly broke, it's because you chose to be. i am flabbergasted that you can dread having a birthday after having beat cancer. Especially when it's your 26th. Your twenty fucking sixth birthday. i would think that you would mark each and every birthday from here on as a milestone. One more year that you left cancer in the dust. Apparently, neither of you have a real problem in your lives, so you're grasping for things to throw out there as bait for some attention. If you two ever really let go and make the decision that you're going to be happy just for the sake of being happy, let me know. If you ever come into a real problem, i might try to help. i, myself, am just too damn old to care about all the drama you surround yourselves with. i won't waste my energy on it."

After having experienced emotional death for a period so long i can't remember when it started, i drink in every moment of every day. i see things much more clearly now. i appreciate things more. i know without a doubt who my "good best friends" are. i'm not going to spout off my mouth just to fit in with a particular group i happen to be around. i'm not scared or intimidated by people and situations anymore. i'm living my life for G, my children and myself. That's really the only things i need to focus on. And honestly, if i'm not emotionally healthy, i'm worthless anyway. This is a regret of mine. All the years that G & i could have been this happy. But then i realize that every moment and every experience has brought us to this point. And without the past, we wouldn't be who we are right now. We wouldn't know that we were this happy if we hadn't been that sad.

One of my best friends who hadn't seen me in a while told me that she would not have recognized me if she had seen me walking down the street. That's how much different i look now than just a few months ago. i'm more relaxed, i look younger, i feel younger, i'm in great physical shape, and i smile a lot. Because i'm happy. i'm alive on the inside, so i look alive on the outside, and it's projected on to all those around me.

i guess i'm maturing emotionally. i'm able to keep my anger in check, bite my tongue when necessary and let things roll off my back. When i hurt, i'm able to "lick my wounds", talk myself through it and be done with it. It doesn't fester anymore. i think before i speak. i don't need to say things just to try and get attention. i have all the attention i want just by behaving. i don't have to pretend that i'm sad, unhappy, depressed, scared or troubled to get attention. i have attention just by being the real me.

G has brought me to this point, and i know He'll take me even farther. All i have to do is follow.

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit, “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?”
“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.”
“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

The Velveteen Rabbit~

i found this blip on kinkerbelle.com. It spoke volumes to me because i had used this very example to G a few months ago to describe how i feel.

Being real is very hard sometimes. Realizing that i no longer have the defenses in place that i used to leaves me feeling very vulnerable. There have been times that i have tried to "call the troops" to come protect me from emotions and fears that i have, but they fail me. i'm left feeling lost and alone knowing there is only one i can turn to.

This excerpt also made me think of another story i heard as a child. It was a story about a shepherd - you know, the kind that herd sheep. Every now and then, there will be a little lamb that wanders away from the flock. The shepherd always has to keep an eye on this little mischievious one, constantly herding him back in line with the flock. After several days, realizing that the lamb is not going to behave, the shepherd takes the lamb and uses his staff to break his leg. He then lovingly sets the broken limb and carries the lamb while it heals. Once the break is healed, and the lamb can walk once again on his own, he never strays from the flock again. He has learned to be totally dependent on the shepherd to lead him in the right direction, keep him safe and supply his every need.

Kind of like submission. They break us down, strip us of all our defenses and pride, punish us when we "get out of line", never let us forget who is in charge. And in doing so, we are rewarded with security, love, knowing that someone is taking care of us and that as long as we stay by his side, he will lead us in the direction that we need to go.

The downside of being "real" is that emotional pain hurts a little deeper. Sadness becomes a debilitating state. Fear will immobilize you. Any insecure feeling is magnified by 1000. That's the price that must be paid in order to feel happiness at the purest level. That "letting go", allowing yourself to feel everything - good and bad - can sometimes feel like 50 foot waves crashing down from every possible angle. Allowing yourself to let someone in, giving yourself over mind, soul and body, realizing that you no longer exist within yourself, but only for Him.

Submission is so much more that BDSM, whips and canes, bondage, golden showers, titty and twat torture, spanking, beatings, corner time, sensory deprivation, tearful fellatio, kneeling, crawling, or any of the other physical things we do as subbies. It starts with the mind and the heart, having the strength and courage to allow ourselves to feel, to trust and to love. Once we accept that, we are able to make our bodies endure anything for His pleasure.

i'm so glad to have today off from work! i've been able to catch up on so many things that have been neglected here at home! And the weather is beautiful, so i'm in a really good mood!

i've been much more relaxed this past week. i think we've finally gotten adjusted to my work schedule, and everyone else's schedule. i haven't felt panicked or "lost" this week. i reached a point that i'm able to exhale. i've come to terms that we are who and what we are. Nothing will change that. my feelings are the same for G, as His are for me. He is the Dominant, i am the sub. Period. No matter what.

There have been several moments of clarity and reaffirmation for me the last several days. Things that i've finally chose to open my eyes to, embrace, accept and know. i was so afraid of "losing my subbiness" (sounds stupid i know) being away from G as much as i am. But what i've found is that my mindset does not change. It all goes back to the beginning of our D/s journey, when i felt that this was what i wanted - needed - but did not want to begin unless i was ready to make the full commitment that it would take. i didn't want to be "this way" away from Him, and "that way" when i was with Him. That to me would just be role playing. i know that may be fine for some, but it was not how we wanted to live. This is a way of life for us. It is our lifestyle.

i think i've evolved more this past week. i'm feeling more confident in myself, as well as our relationship. i'm in touch with my feelings (sounds very "Dr. Phil-like"; hehe)and know what i feel. In knowing my feelings, there is peace. Knowing exactly how i feel about G and our relationship, helps to clear any doubt, jealousy, or insecurity.
There is trust and security in accepting my feelings. Finally being emotionally mature enough to lay down my arsenal of defense mechanisms and just BE.

i listen to the other women at work going on about their boyfriends, husbands, family dramas, work dramas, babies, weight loss issues, money problems, etc. etc. There are several times that i could interject some friendly advice. i sometimes have the answers for them. But i choose not to. i don't want to become close personally with any of my co-workers. i'm friendly, civil, and nice, but i don't need anymore friends. If i open myself to give them that advice, then that opens a door for them to get to know me. i'm fine just over hearing. i have been blessed with 2 very best girlfriends and lots of "buds", as well as G. i don't need to repeat all the goings on of my life to every ear that will hear me. i don't need to hear myself talk. If there ever was a problem that i felt like i needed friend advice about, i would first discuss it with G. If i still felt like i needed something more, i would ask if i could discuss it with one of my girlfriends. i would still pick and choose what details i would divulge to my girlfriend. The ultimate decision or outcome of course would be up to G.

That's where the whole mindset kicks in. i have noticed that before i open my mouth to throw out a comment on a subject, i think first about what the comment would say about me and what G would think if He were there to hear me say it. Neither of my girlfriends know about the whole D/s thing - they just see that G & i are happier than we have ever been. i know that if i ever did say "Oh, by the way, there's something about me you need to know..." they would both be ok with it. But, i choose not to. This is my private life. my girlfriends know all about the problems i have with the rest of my family, they are like aunts to my sons, and they love G as well. They celebrate my accomplishments with me and wipe my tears through my failures. They are both great in the fact that they will tell me like it is, not tell me what i want to hear. They are there when i need them for anything, but i don't need them in my bedroom or relationship with G.

my mind is always where it needs to be. All the physical aspects of our BDSM, would not be possible if it wasn't. That's one of the things that i have come to accept. We may not always be able to "scene" as much as we'd like. There are times that the both of us will be too darn tired for much more than a good night kiss. Sometimes, the sex will be just plain vanilla - a quickie stolen when the chance arises. It will not always be practical for me to be naked and shackled at His feet. And it's all ok. The body follows the heart, which follows the mind.

Last night, while my butt was in the air receiving a caning, i had a few thoughts. Seems i do my best thinking during BDSM activities. Probably because i try my best to completely clear my head and focus on the moment and the pain and the pleasure.

Anyway, i realized that i love being spanked, tortured, paddled, spanked, whipped to tears. Sometimes, there are not actual tears, but only sobbing. All the noises and acts of crying, but no tears coming from my eyes. i have found that when i reach this point, i stop squirming. i'm no longer tightening my butt cheeks, anticipating the pain of the next blow, trying to shield myself from it. Once the sobbing point is reached, my head clears, my body relaxes, and i welcome each and every blow. i guess i reach sub space in that moment. It's that psychological part of BDSM that is such a huge turn on.

The build up to the sobbing stage, is almost always the same. The pain increasing, the blows coming harder, the blows coming faster and more repetitive, often in the same spot. my mind screams at me "Doesn't He know how much that HURTS? Can't He see how much He's hurting me? How can He do this to me?!" Then, there it is. i begin to sob or cry. And suddenly i know that i can take more. Whatever He wants to do to me, i can take it, i welcome it, i want it, i crave it. It's like running and running up a steep hill, your mind pushing your body to keep going despite the stitch in your side, the cramps in your legs and the air burning in your lungs. Once the crest of the hill is finally reached, you stop and look out over the most beautiful countryside you've ever seen, totally absorbed in the silence and the beauty of it all. And you're so glad you made it there to experience something so glorious.

Yes, He knows how much it hurts me. He sees that it is hurting me by the welts on my skin, the quickening of my breathing, the flinching of my muscles and the light beads of sweat. He can do this to me because He can. Simple as that. And there's where the mutual mind fuck starts. i am sobbing, not only out of pain, but out of the intense wave of emotion. The realization, once again, that i am His. i submitted. He told me to get on the bed and put my ass in the air and i did. He's testing me with each blow, seeing how much i can take, deciding when to push me farther. He's teasing me, by touching the cane to one spot of my backside and then delivering the blow in a different spot, catching me off guard. my sobbing helps to steel my will, forcing me not to move, to accept whatever punishment He delivers. He continues, despite my tears, despite my squeals, despite my whimpering. He continues to Dominate. i remember, accept and treasure my place as His.

When He whips me till my ass is blistering red, then grabs my hair in His hands and forces His cock down my throat, it just helps to drive the point home of who is in control. He does not allow me to wipe my tears from my face. Even with mascara streaks down to my neck, i am not allowed to wipe my eyes. That lets me know that He loves my tears. He loves what He has done to me, that He has broken me a little farther. He's brought me down a notch once again. All these little reminders He gives me - from whipping me to tears to making me ask for permission to cum - help to keep me in the right frame of mind to deal with the "outside world". He knows if i am thinking of Him first, then i will behave when i am away from Him. i won't allow myself to get caught up in anyone else's drama, because He won't allow it. i won't allow myself to let other people upset me and stress me out, because He won't allow it. He won't let me get caught up in a bunch of negative energy. Because He loves me.

i've come to realize is that behind my sweet little submissive "Yes Sir" exterior, there lurks an evilness that's very ugly. She's a jealous little bitter beast that tackles my insides and twists my thoughts into poison. She eats away at my insides, threatening to kill any compassionate thought or caring emotion. She tries to devour me from the inside out. Sometimes it's easy to keep her at bay, sometimes not. Sometimes, she wins the battle. She usually waits until i'm at a particular low point, already feeling very vulnerable. She's cowardly like that, yet takes all the control. Kind of like kicking a girl when she's down, pouncing on a lame dog, sucker punching someone when they're not looking. She feeds on my fears and insecurities, my pain and my uncertainty. She tosses things past my lips, making me wish i could grab the words in mid-air before anyone hears them. She reminds me of past hurts that i'm supposed to have gotten past and forgot about, ripping open the old wounds and making them fresh once more. She's always been there, but in the past, i treated her like a guard. When she started telling me things, i'd listen to her and put up a wall, blocking out the person she said was going to hurt me. Thanking her for the warning. But now, i don't have that ability anymore. She manages to turn me into a crying shaking mess. She pushes me further and further down into a hole. Kicking me, slapping me, spitting on me, daring me to get up and fight. All i can do is endure her emotional onslaught, begging her to go away, or trying to ignore her. There's no reasoning with her - once she scrambles to the surface, she's not going away until she's ready to go away. She really wore me down for several days. i'm still trying to recover.

i've also realized that i cannot live without G. Physically, yes, i would be breathing. But that would be about it. If i ever lose Him, would i be able to function? Absolutely. i'd turn on auto-pilot and go about the day. i'd still be a mother to my children, a daughter to my mother, a worker to my employer and a friend to my friends. Would i be living? No. i would be just a shell of a person. There would be no substance. i think i would completely shut down emotionally. It's more than the physical pleasure of stripping naked before Him, sitting at His feet, hearing Him tell me that i am owned. my emotions flow with His. i am only maye because He allows me to be. No longer are there the prideful thoughts of "I am what I am and that's all that I am and if you don't like it, fuck you, and be on your merry way." There's is life-threatening panic now. It's the kind of fear that freezes you in your tracks, holding you still when you should be running. It's watching a car accident happen, knowing you should turn away, but your eyes refuse to close. Leaving you in an abyss of helplessness and loss.

i used to never think of myself as needy. i always considered myself a self-reliant kind of gal. That's what i had convinced myself of anyway. That's how i had been told i was supposed to be. That there wasn't a man good enough out there to devote my entire life to. People may be married for ions, but they're never truly happy, because men, in general, just suck. Don't trust them, always have an emergency exit clearly marked, and stash your bunker with enough rations to get you by until your child support kicks in. Always prepare yourself for the day he leaves, or the day he tosses you the curb. But now that i am living my life for me & G, i've accepted that i am actually needy. i need Him, crave Him, want Him. i always have - although i wasn't able to let Him know until now. Until i submitted to Him, there were too many walls. i could say "i love You" all day long, but i never truly knew what it felt like until i accepted His control over me. It doesn't seem like enough now to tell Him that i love Him. It's so much more than that. Love is barely the tip of the iceberg. i will always feel a twinge of regret for not having listened to Him and given in sooner.

There are many changes and adjustments going on in our lives right now. They've interrupted our ebb and flow, disrupted our chi, threatened our zen. But they are necessary and all part of our lives. The big challenge is learning to bend and flow with them while holding on to the core basis of our relationship with a steely grip. But i know He's not going to let go. He won't let me sink. He won't let me fall. He won't throw me away. He won't leave. i am His. He may become impatient with me, He may not have the answers, i may make Him nuts at times, He may feel overwhelmed with the responsibility of me. But He won't quit. He will help me as much as He can to nurture myself and continue to grow, thrive and evolve. He's been in this for the long haul from the get go, and He's not going to back down now. He will hold me accountable for my physical health and emotional health. He will require me to share my thoughts - good, bad and ugly - with Him so He can help me sort things out. He will not allow me to get caught up in office gossip and hen-pecking. He will keep me in my place.

Jeez...i can't believe i haven't posted since the 16th! Where time goes, i will never know.

A lot has happened in that time. i've started a job working in the front office of a veterinary office. It's a lot of fun. i really love the animals and the human interaction with all the clients. i can be soft and fuzzy and it's accepted - expected even. i'm learning so much new stuff about animals and animal care and the true bond between pets and their owners. i'm not the only one who is so attached to her animals that they are like family members, children to her. A lot of our clients are elderly, so it just makes it all the more precious to talk to them. They bring in stuffed animals that belong to their pets when they have to stay the day or overnight with us, and tell you how their pet won't be able to sleep without it. For a lot of them, their animals are all they have in the world. i've seen people fall to pieces after having to have an animal put down, or call hysterical because their beloved pet has died at home. A lady today called on her cell phone as she was on the way to the clinic with her dead cat in her lap, so overcome by grief and panic that i don't think she realized what she was doing. She elected to have us send his body to a crematorium, and they will have Pumpkin's ashes back to her in a few days in a small tin box for her to keep. Even as morbid and heart breaking as it is, it is rejuvinating for me. It reminds me that my emotions and feelings are justified. It's ok to express them and deal with them. Sometimes, you have to hurt so much, you think you will not take another breath. But somehow, you do. Just being around raw, un-diluted emotion is helping to keep me real. It helps to keep away all those defenses that i had surrounded myself with for so long, not letting anything get too close to me. The sacrifice was, as long as i was keeping the bad things away, i was also keeping the good things away.

The downfall of the job is that i don't have unlimited access to G during the day. That part, i hate. i call Him on my way in to work, my lunch hour and on my way home. i miss not being able to e-mail Him, text message Him or call Him anytime i want. i guess this is the start of a big test of relationship as Dom/sub. To see if we can REALLY do REAL LIFE 24/7 D/S. It was a lot easier when i wasn't working because we did have that all day communication. It was easy to keep myself connected to Him, for us to keep each other turned on all day long so that when we were finally together, we were only a couple of steps away from Dom/sub space.

It's yet another layer in our lives. G doesn't like coming home in the evening and i'm not here. i don't like that either. The first couple of days at work, i got real antsy at 5:00 and couldn't figure out why. Then i realized, at that time of day, i was to have coffee made and should be naked and kneeling somewhere. Then there's baseball practice and the official season started last weekend, so that has been at the forefront of our week. There hasn't been any time to decompress and get used to things. It's just been go, go, go. So, making the adjustment to the new schedule and new way of doing things now that i'm not here all day have been tough.

Today, it is even harder. This weekend, we are going to a huge get together in the mountains with G's motorcycle riding club & friends. Since He is one of the officials, He had to leave this morning heading up there. i have every Thursday & Sunday off, but i have to work half a day every Saturday. So, instead of me going up early this morning with Him like we had planned for so long, i had to work. i'll be leaving tomorrow once i'm off work and spend the rest of the weekend with Him and everyone. But tonight it is really hard. i miss Him so much right now. It's only compounded by the fact that i already miss Him just due to all the responsibilities and changes going on right now.

i hate being the only one in the bed. i hate how quiet the house is. i'm here with the youngest boy child, whom i will drop off at my mom's house in the morning before going to work. i kept the poor child up until he said "Mom, I'm tired and I'm going to bed." You know a 12 year old is tired if he's telling you he's going to bed. i was just lonely and didn't want the house to get quiet. i know i won't sleep anyway. i'm such a baby. Even in my "before life" when i was sooooo independent i didn't want to be alone at night. i'm not afraid of being by myself. i don't jump everytime the house creaks or i hear a car door. i just don't like it. i want G here to snuggle up to. i want to be able to nudge Him to make Him turn over when He starts snoring. i want to wake to Him calling my name, telling me it's time to get up and make coffee. i'm supposed to have my hand on his thigh while we sleep. i don't know what i'd do if He traveled with His job. i guess i'd have to adjust, but that doesn't mean i wouldn't be whimpering all the time. The area that He is in has absolutely no cell phone service, so i am totally cut off from Him until i arrive there in person around 2:00 tomorrow afternoon. i hate it.

Yesterday, we had a great day though. i was off work and G had taken the day off as well to get ready for the trip. We got the boys off the school and then settled in for a morning of spanking, sucking, fucking and sadism. Delicious! He fisted me until there was NO WAY i was going to cum again, and then i came 4 more times. He spanked my butt and thighs to the point that i had to be careful how i sit today. i love looking at the bruises across my butt cheeks. A lot of them are His hand print. His mark made upon me, claiming what is His. He's so damn hot! When He had his fist deep within my pussy, He leaned down over my face and growled "I've got you. You are mine." It was not long after that till i was begging for permission to cum. After we'd cummed ourselves silly, we headed out and got some lunch (had to replace those carbs, you know!) and then rode the motorcycle the rest of the afternoon until the boys got home from school. It was so great just riding along, my hands & legs wrapped around His body, moving with His rhythm. When we got to a point that we were cruising along, He reached back and rode with His hand on my knee, just like He does when we're in the car. Total relaxation and comfort with each other. Just enjoying being together. It made me feel warm all over. i keep flashing back to that feeling today, and it makes me want to be with Him all the more. i miss Him so much that i had to leave the office today for lunch and go park my car in the Kroger parking lot and cry a little. i can't wait to be with Him tomorrow!

i guess i need to try to get a few hours sleep before i have to go to work and drive for 2 hours afterward. We'll see how it goes.

Yesterday was absolutely incredible. i was bound, beaten, tortured, bathed, fucked, humiliated, led around by my leash and made to cum so hard i saw stars.

At one point during my "torture", i cried out "i can't do it!", and began to cry, only to feel ashamed and mad at myself for uttering the words. It was just one of those moments that my mind was having a little trouble getting "right". i was thinking the words to myself, while trying to tell myself that i could do it at the same time. All of a sudden, they blurted out of my mouth and i instantly wished they hadn't. i felt like such a loser. i felt like i had let G down. i was crying not out of pain, but out of shame for not being able to perform like He wanted me to. i felt weak and wimpy. Of course, He didn't stop though. He forced me to go on. Then, took my face in His hands and kissed me telling me how amazing i was. So, i was redeemed.

Each time we have an intense scene like yesterday, i feel even closer to Him. More needy, more loved, more humble. i feel relaxed and all cozy inside. It's evidence to myself that i am submissive, that i will do whatever He requires of me. That i am His. It reinforces everything we've talked about, lived and worked to accomplish the last few months. The after effects of it are the way i walk around like a giddy little school girl. It seems that today, i still can't get my head clear. i'm horny, needing more. my body craves everything all over again. It's like i have an endorphin hangover.

i can't wait for Him to get home this afternoon. i can't wait to be naked with Him again. i can't wait to feel His touch on my skin. i can't wait to sit at His feet and feel His hand stroke my hair. He knows just how to keep my dangling, so in love with Him that i can't stand to be apart from Him. He knows how to keep me in my place.

G will be off work tomorrow and here with me all day! We'll get the kids off to school, and then settle in for a few hours of scening and enjoying each other. i can't wait!

It's so hard sometimes to REALLY be able to get into a scene when the kids are sleeping right across the hall. The whole house is quiet, so every little noise can be heard. my mind has to be aware of how loud i'm yelping or crying when getting a good 'ol but blistering spank. And of course, some implements make more noise than others, so there are a couple that we can't even use. Often times, i'm more frustrated than anything else, due to the fact i don't feel like i was able to get into it ALL THE WAY. It helps me if i'm able to cry out or screech a little. Helps those endorphins kick in and come to my rescue, ensuring that i can take more. The spanking is a good tease, and then i have to wait for something more quiet that helps push me over the edge.

It's diffucult for G as well. He has to keep His voice down and He's not able to really push me like He wants to. He stated last night that He thinks i'm ready to be caned. (Insert the sound of knees knocking together.) i very much want to try it, but at the same time, i'm terrified of it. But that's half the fun, right? It wasn't that long ago that i was scared of a lot of things that i now crave. Funny how soft that hard limit list gets with time. Wonder how much noise those things make anyway.

Tomorrow, there will be crying and yelping and screaming and begging at loud volume. The very thought of it makes me flitter. There will be loud whacks, smacks, thuds, cracks, and slaps. He will tell me what He's going to do, what to do and how to do it in a normal, powerful speaking tone. Not having to worry about anyone hearing anything. i'll bet He's going to put my collar & leash on and lead me around the house naked. Make me crawl up the stairs in front of Him. Ravage my body and mind till i'm quivering and shuddering and unable to move.

i can't wait for tomorrow!

i was sitting here taking a break after exercising. After not being able to exercise for a few days because i blew my knee out, today it REALLY kicked my butt! So, i was reading one of my faves here at livejournal, kaya_s. i truly love reading her journal. The way she writes is so easy to read, she expresses and explains things well. Her honesty about her genuine true feelings is refreshing. So often i read others journals and you can kind of tell they were "grasping at straws" to try and find something to write about. Like they're more worried about what kind of comments they will get - looking for kudos and "atta girl". Or pining for attention and sympathy. Those are the worst kind. All the "woe is me" crap really gets on my nerves. With kaya, her raw emotions come through in her posts. Be it anger, happiness, frustration or sadness, it's there. i can actually feel it in my chest. She can make me cry, empathize or laugh my ass off. And always she makes me think. She's not worried about what kind of comments she will get - negative or positive. She's not trying to start drama or get a rise out of people, nor is she trying to offend anyone. It's HER feelings and HER life she's putting out there. i really commend her and admire her for being able to do that.

You're more than welcome to go to her page and read her posts for the last few days if you'd like. i'll not try to re-post her comments here. They just got me to thinking about my relationship with G, and the parallels of Master/slave relationships in general. Not just kaya and her Master and G and i, but with several peoples blogs that i read. The thing i think i like most about reading others posts, is that often times, i can come across someone who is feeling exactly the way i feel at that present time, or find a situation that i've experienced. It helps to see anothers view point and know that i am not alone or "deranged" in some way. It's almost like a therapy. When i have a particular feeling, and see that someone else has it to, it helps to put things in perspective for me. It helps me to laugh at myself when someone is laughing at themselves. To cry with others out of empathy. It helps me to sort out my feelings, when i'm not sure what i'm feeling by seeing someone else is going through the same thing. To see that other Masters and slaves out there are human too.

G & i have had scenes go wrong. Sometimes, it goes wrong for both of us, due to an interruption of some kind, realizing that we're just too plain tired to get into the "right frame of mind", or feeling rushed due to lack of time to really be able to do all the things He wants to do. When it goes wrong for both of us, it is just abandoned. There's no sense in trudging on with it, only to end up frustrated. It's supposed to be pleasurable. It's supposed to strengthen my devotion to Him. It's supposed to be a teaching and learning experience. And when it just ain't there, it just ain't there. It can't be forced or staged. And it takes a lot of strength, honesty and common sense to realize when it's just not going to be up to par.

While i cannot speak for G, i can explain what it's like when the scene goes wrong for me, or i'm just not "having the time of my life". i have a hard time clearing my head sometimes to prepare for a scene. During a scene, when i reach my sub-space, if i'm distracted, i feel like my brain and body are scampering to get back to that blissful euphoria i had previously been floating in.

For example, one time G had my feet tied to a spreader bar laid out on the bed, my hands tied above my head and i was blindfolded. i was humming in my own little world after several things He had done to me, things He said He was GOING to do to me. Totally immersed in my dark little pool of subspace, feeling tingly and floaty all over. i could hear Him moving around the bedroom, going in and out of the closet, moving things around. my anticipation of what He was doing, trying to imagine what was going to happen next. Trying to focus on the sounds - "did He just open the 'pleasure chest' or was that a drawer?" All my nerve endings tingling, my body shivering with desire for His touch, for pain, for a caress. All sending me into a writhing, desirous, squishy mess. "Where are the Goddamned clothespins?!" THUD! i crashed back to earth with such intensity, the floor shook. i literally had to shake my head to clear it. "They're in the plastic container on the closet shelf." i heard the clothespins shaking in the container as He made His way toward me. But i was having to start all over. Trying to "think happy thoughts" to quickly get back into "my space" before He did anything else to me. The clothespins ended up just plain hurting, instead of pleasing in the beginning. By the time the pain became pleasurable, He was done with them. By the time i was back in my subspace, He was finishing. While it was still enjoyable, i was left with the feeling that i had been cheated. That i had missed something. A little frustrated, yanno?

i have recently accepted the fact, that fantasy is not always going to live up to reality. Often times we try things that we've both thought of, read of, or G has come up with. i'm thankful that we're able to laugh at ourselves and accept the fact when something isn't working. There are just some positions neither of our bodies can get into, a particular implement makes a much more nasty welt than anticipated, or an act just doesn't turn us on as much physically and mentally as it should for the desired affect. (G never seems to have a problem finding a suitable alternative to carry us both away to Master/sub space when this occurs, though. ;-) hehe)

The greatest challenge i think we all face is keeping it "real". It takes a conscious effort on both the part of the Master and sub, Dominant/submissive to keep the vibe going. He always has to dominate, i always have to submit. And it's little things in day to day life that have to be done to reinforce that. The tasks He requires of me that i have to perform daily - blog, take pictures of myself, and communicate with Him throughout the day via e-mail, phone calls, or text messages - help to keep me in my place. He's to know where i'm at and what i'm doing at all times. No, i don't have to send Him a text message saying that i'm going to clean the toilet, but if i leave the house to go somewhere or meet someone for lunch, etc. He needs to know about it. Even if there's an appointment time that i'm supposed to be somewhere and He's already aware of it, i still have to let Him know that's where i'm going.

my submission always has to be in the forefront of my mind, as does His Dominance. It's me asking permission, instead of telling Him i'm going to do something, even if i know He wouldn't mind. It's having the motivation to do as He says, not out of fear of punishment, but driven by my desire to please Him. It's me curling up at His feet even though there's a seat available in the room. It's asserting our roles in subtle ways when there are family or friends present that only we understand the significance of. It's talking respectfully about Him with others when He's not within earshot. It's being open and honest when asked a question. It's trusting Him, when He says "Show me your tits.", that He's already checked to make sure no one else would be able to see me. i don't have to look around or say "Now?!" It's rushing to the bedroom just before He gets home to strip naked and present myself to Him. And all these things have to mix in with our daily lives of a full-time job, 2 kids, 3 cats, Team Mom, band rehearsals, children arriving home from school, getting dinner on the table, visiting with friends & family, cleaning the kitchen after dinner, going to the grocery store, getting the oil changed in the car, and all the millions of other mundane tasks that life requires us to perform.

And at the end of the day, when everything settles down, having Him grab me by the hair, remind me that i am His, asking "Do you submit to me?", and then carrying out whatever sadistic act He has dreamed up, feeding my masochist side and making me crave more. Pushing me even further into my submission and exploration of myself. The sweet serenity of the fact, as my body is being used for His pleasure - tied up, tied down, spanked to bruises and welts, pain flooding my mind and carrying my body away to a mystical place, His hands and mouth claiming my flesh, His words in my ears - that i am His. In that corner of our universe, that all too brief blip in time, He is G, and i am maye. We're both reminded that we exist for and within each other. He IS the Dominant, i AM the submissive. And even when scenes "go wrong" that element never changes. We are who we are outside of the bedroom.

As anyone can see from G's reply to last my last post, He's brutally honest with me. i am thankful for this, because i do get myself worked into such a snizzle sometimes. i'm often like one of those hysterical movie stars, who needs a slap across the face and a "Get a hold of yourself woman!"

It is getting easier for me to let go of past hurts and mistrusts. For so long, i had myself tucked away, behind my walls in my private hell, if you will, locked up tighter than a bank vault. Drowning in emotions and thoughts that were completely unfounded and had no basis, other than i was too afraid to express an emotion but anger. Anger is something that i knew throughout my childhood and adulthood. If you didn't get your way in my family, all you had to do was scream louder, argue more or bully your way out of a situation. Thankfully, my kids have turned out the complete opposite of me. They are very much like G. And thankfully, too, i learned from my childhood and my "rebellion" as an adult was to raise my children differently. i know for a fact though, that it would not have been possible without G's love & guidance. No matter how much i would like to take sole credit for having really cool kids, it's their dad who truly deserves the credit.

In a way, He is now raising me too. Since i submitted to Him, and there are now consequences for my actions & reactions, it makes me more aware of things i do. After that last post, i burst into tears, feeling so guilty and so upset. i sent G a long e-mail apologizing, letting Him know how scared i was, how i couldn't control what i was feeling, how shaky the ground was that i was standing on, how i didn't know what was wrong with me. He just gave me that "Are 'ya done now? Good. Then follow me." And there it was - further assurance that i am loved, protected, cared for, secure, and owned. Even though i had reverted back to my "old ways" of pitching a temper fit just because i didn't know how to express what i was feeling (or what i had made myself feel by letting my mind run away with me), G was very understanding and helped me through it by being honest.

G is very good at the whole punishment thing. He does not use spanking for punishment - i like that too much. He uses all mind methods. Like this past Thursday after my fit. He did not eat the breakfast that i had prepared for Him. Knowing that i would get the message of how displeased He was at my behavior. Knowing that i would worry that He hadn't eaten breakfast and that He would be hungry and that it was my fault because i was responsible for making Him so upset He didn't want to eat. He will ignore me for punishment. i will "cease to exsist" for a bit until i come to my senses and throw myself at His feet begging His forgiveness and swearing to behave. He uses humilation as well, making me stand naked in a corner in an uncomfortable position. Or making me sit naked while He just looks through me, not talking to me except to tell me to change position. He will deny Himself to me, making me crave to be closer to Him. And it really works. It gives me time to think and realize how sorry i really am for what i did. And to realize how much i truly, deeply love Him and want to be His. In a way, He gives me a glimpse of what it would be like if He did not love me. How awful that would feel.

So, by being consistent and honest, He is helping me to break down those barriers that held me captive for so long. Making it easier to feel the calmness that submission brings. Allowing me to explore my feelings and work through them, rather than bury them somewhere within myself to rot. Bringing me out of my shell, out of the darkness, out of the wilderness, and into a world gloriously alive with love and security. Never letting me forget that i submitted, He now owns and i am to do as He says. i too have to be brutally honest, in a respectful way, with Him. And with myself as well.

i have got to get out of this fantasy world i live in. i've got to stop sitting here during the day trying to imagine what the evening will be like when You get home. That's the only way i will stop getting disappointed and hurt. i do it to myself, and i have to stop it. When i have sat naked at the window, watching for You to pull in the drive so i can kneel before You, and awaited Your return all day, it just hurts too much for the 2nd thing to be told is that You're leaving. i cannot have a conversation that requires a lot of thought and soul digging while the clock is ticking for You to leave. i'm just not that smart. i cannot always go with You, as there is dinner that needs to be prepared and homework that needs to be checked off. If You want me to go with You, then You will have to understand that i cannot relax and enjoy myself if i'm worrying about what time we will get home so i can get dinner on the table and take care of the regular, mundane things that are far removed from our D/s and bdsm. i do not have the option of "up and go" when i feel like it. That is Your perk and always has been. i was forced accept that a long time ago and it's something that i can't change. Especially not now. i am a sub to everyone in this house, right down to the cats. And while You will always be Number One, there will be times that i have to take care of things like You're not. Why do You get mad at me for not being ready to go along with plans when i didn't know what they were? If i had been made aware of them, then i could have been prepared. i could have started everything sooner and been ready at a decent time, rather than thinking we would be spending the evening in and planning on a different schedule. So, that's something i have got to remedy. i need to just go ahead and be prepared. Anticipate what might happen, so i don't get hurt and You don't get mad. There's just a point where i'm hurt so bad that i have to crawl away. There is no way i will be able to articulate anything without it being an attack. i have to shut down in order to deal with it. i do not have the capability yet to "be cheerful" when i'm wanting to cry my eyes out and yell. i'm not there yet. i forget that "Come here." means "Come here to this spot right in front of me." i guess anger has been easier to get a bit of a hold on because there are more opportunities to practice dealing with it. There's at least one person each and every day that pisses me off, so i can use the things You've taught me to get it under control and deal with the situation at hand with tact. i haven't felt hurt enough yet to figure out what to do with it. And along with being hurt, there's knowing that i've disappointed You, which compounds everything. It's why i'm still hurt and sad today. Why i've cried all morning. Finally. At least i'm crying. That means i'm starting to get over being hurt. Now i just feel sad. i feel sad that You hurt my feelings, and i feel more sad because i wasn't able to deal with it and made everything worse. And i feel mad that this is so damn hard sometimes. When it's good, it's the best, and when it's bad, it kicks my ass and knocks me to the floor. i'm mad at myself for not being able to stop reading things into nothing. Before, when You were gone from home most nights, it was because You couldn't stand to be around me. You told me that. That if i wanted You home more, then make You want to come home. So, why am i supposed to think it's any different now? What else am i supposed to do? What do You want from me that will make You tell everyone else no? You are Number One to me, i don't know what to do to make myself Number One to You. Maybe i'm not allowed that. Maybe the things that i get are supposed to make me feel like Number One to You. Maybe i'm just being ridiculous and need to get a hobby or a real job or something. i am my own worst enemy most times. i drive myself crazy. Emotions and thoughts get all jumbled together and before You know it, i'm a raving lunatic spouting crap all over the place. But i can't have You thinking that i'm trying to get into a power struggle with You everytime i don't know what to do. Sometimes, i am honestly lost. i know the rule (or rules as the case may be) that i am breaking. And i'm not doing it to try and get a rise out of You or make You come 'round to my way of thinking. i just simply can't process what needs to be processed to keep myself in line. Sometimes the only emotion i have is no emotion. i don't like it anymore than You do. i know You don't like it when i pull away. That it's not allowed. But the alternative sometimes, as was the case last night, is that i scream. i say mean things and i cry and lose all control. i was trying to take care of You by not putting You through that. i don't know if that would have been any worse than the evening turned out, but it seemed like it would have been. There are so many, many changes that i have made and that i still have to make. There are so many things that i've always done that were submissive, only i didn't know that was the label to apply. They were just part of my way of doing things. You're not a mind reader and i'm not either. Thank goodness for the message board, or i sometimes would never know what was going on. Maybe that's wanting too much as well. If there's something You want me to do with You, then i have to know about it beforehand so i can make sure i'm able to do it. That i have taken care of all my other duties that You require as well as those that are just part of daily stuff. i don't know how to correct my behavior last night. i don't know how to make it up to You. i don't know why i keep going round and round the same shit all the time. One would think that i learned by now. i do believe i am crazy. Because i keep doing the same things over and over and expect a different outcome each time. Isn't that the Webster's definition of crazy? i don't like feeling needy. That's not attractive in the least. It turns me into a sniveling, weepy, little dolt. There's a fine line between submissive and "oh Lord i'm gonna die without X amount of attention each day!" i just want to seep into the floor.

i am required to post to my blog journal everyday. But honestly, there are some days that i just don't have a lot to say. This is one of those days.

i'm happy today. i'm busy today. i don't have anything that's really troubling me or puzzling me. i'm excited today, waiting for G to come home. i took some really good pictures for Him, i think. i'm always nervous when He looks at my pictures. i always try to imagine what His reaction will be when He looks at them. When He doesn't show that reaction, i get all pouty inside. "Did You like my pictures?" "Yes, they were very good." "Which one was Your favorite?" (Please, please, please pick the one i like.) "This one." "Oh! i thought You'd like that one! What about this one?!" See how silly i am. Such an attention whore.

i guess this is just one of those wonderful days that i should cherish and treasure. The weather is beautiful today. It's warm, breezy and sunny. There truly is nothing troubling me today. The biggest concern i have today is finishing my chores before G gets home. There are no plans to go anywhere tonight. He & i can spend the evening together as a family relaxing before gearing up for the next few days when we are all running in different directions again. i've just put myself in a relaxed state of mind, so i'm pleasant and happy once G gets home. Don't get me wrong - i could go find something to upset myself over, but no.

Today i chose to be happy.

G continues to pull me out of my shell, challenging me to be the best woman, wife, lover, person that i can be. Challenging me not only physically, but mentally as well. Helping me to get over past embarrassments, deal with my inner emotions, and constructively go about my daily life. All the while watching out for me and not letting me "get in over my head."

Last night, He declared that it was Masturbation Monday. That we would fuck ourselves silly. The whole purpose of last night was to make ourselves cum without ever touching each other, except to kiss and cuddle. Wow. The whole purpose of this "exercise" is to help me become more comfortable with my body and my sexuality. To further do away with the shyness of masturbation. To help build my trust in Him. To help me continue to peel away the protective layers i've kept myself shrouded in for all these years. It was also very exciting to talk to each other. Telling each other what we like, describing how beautiful watching each other was, letting each other know how turned on we were. It was a mind orgasm as well.

Each and every time He assigns me a task or a challenge, i know there's a hidden lesson in there somewhere. Sometimes it takes a bit of reflection on my part to figure out what it is. When i do get it and tell G, He is very pleased. It reinforces His confidence in being a Dominant, and pleases me that i am truly learning the lessons He is trying to teach me.

You know how i know life is good? i'm not stressed out, even though i have a million things that need to be accomplished today. Along with this, baseball practice and a parent meeting have fallen on the same night, within an hour of each other. The oldest child will have to be picked up from band rehearsal at the same time i should be here making dinner for us all to get on our way to these evening events.

The spring time gets to be pretty hectic 'round here with both boys being involved with extracurricular activities. It's also prime time for getting together with friends after being couped up all winter. G & i are going out of town at the end of the month with a huge group of friends for a weekend. It will be so great!

G & i are constantly talking about our new roles as Dominant & submissive. i asked Him if it was hard to be a Dominant. He said, no, but it was challenging to weigh all the practicality of "doing our thing" in the vanilla world. For example, one of my rules is that i am to ask permission before leaving a room that we are in together. This rule has had to be amended to allow for being around our children, families and groups of vanilla friends. One of the things we both like about our roles, is that we're just trying to blend in. We're not looking for the "shock factor". It all needs to flow so effortlessly that it just seems like us and not like a scene taking place in someone's living room. All we're trying to show to the "outside world" is that we are very caring and respectful toward each other. The little things that we do that only have meaning to the two of us, are so subtle, i doubt anyone ever notices them as blatant. So, the new rule is when we're around others and it would not be practical to ask for permission, i have to tell Him where i'm going and why. In the room with the kids would go something like this - "i'm going to run upstairs and put this laundry away. i'll be right back." Rather than, "May i go upstairs and put the laundry away?" The boys may not catch it at all, but it would just be weird if they did. i needed to change my relationship with G, not with them. They still need to see me as the mom i have always been.

A couple of weekends ago, one of G's online friends came to spend the weekend with us. Neither of us had ever met him in person, but he turned out to be just as wonderful in the flesh as he is online. He was a gracious house guest and an all around good guy. G was very proud of me for the way i had the house spiffed up and took care of them. It was a good test to see how i would act around strangers i guess. i tend to get a little bit stressed around new people, especially at my house. i don't know why i think that everyone is going to critique how clean my baseboards are, but yanno. But the weekend went off without a hitch. i didn't burn any of the meals, there were clean towels in the guest bath and we had a really good time. It all has to do with this calmness and confidence in myself and my relationship with G. i'm just able to deal with things better.

January 29, 2007:

Weight: 140
Chest: 40"
Waist: 35"
Hips: 39"
Thighs: 21
Upper Arms: 12


March 2, 2007:

Weight: 140
Chest: 38.5"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 39"
Thighs: 19
Upper Arms: 12

i'm feeling pretty good about myself this morning!

i'm not upset about my weight not going down. 140 is probably a good weight for me, poundage wise. i'm 5'6", with a medium frame, so if i lose too much weight i look unhealthy. i know, 'cause i've done it before. Crash diet to lose 15 pounds, look pale, and flabby, feel tired and put every bit of it back on once i start eating again. Not good.

my body has gotten very toned. G told me last night how happy He is with how little i've gotten. (BTW, "little" was the word HE used. Squeal!) i actually look healthy and fit now. There's a big difference in my stamina and my upper body strength. my legs are much stronger as well. They used to ache if i had to go up and down the stairs a few times. Now, i can run up and down all day long and not feel like i just ran a marathon.

i'm not upset about my hips either. i have hip BONES. i didn't have those until after i had my first son. i had a "boys body" through middle and high school, so i LOVE my hips. The great thing is being able to see and feel those hip bones once again. And to have them accentuated how toned my abs and lower abs are getting makes me feel very feminine & fierce.

Getting healthy and in shape was more for G than it was for me. He was my big motivator. i wanted to give Him something. i wanted the outer me to reflect how happy the inner me is. He's never once, at anytime said "you WILL lose weight, you WILL exercise everyday, you WILL be this size." He probably knew that before, that would have thrown me into a state of Holy Hell Rebellion and Spitefulness. Even if He would have said those things once i submitted to Him, i think it would have been a task very hard to complete. It would have been a slow, slow, slow, weight loss. So, it had to be me giving Him what He wants, without Him actually having to say it. Nothing like a bit of competition to get a girls ass off the couch. And i have to admit, i'm a bit of an attention whore, so anything that helps to keep Him focused on me, is a big turn on. i'm a beggin' little puppy when it comes to His approval.

So, now i'm going to go have another glass of water, wearing the pair of shorts that i have not been able to wear for 3 summers now.

TOP 10 THINGS THAT SUCK ABOUT BEING SUBMISSIVE:

1) Having to "deal with it" if He says so.
2) Accepting that i have no say, no opinion - unless it agrees with His.
3) Biting my toungue.
4) Having to remember all the rules.
5) Working daily on all the changes required of me.
6) Letting things go.
7) Realizing that i'm not who i was.
8) Worrying about getting hurt emotionally; forcing myself to trust Him.
9) Knowing that He enjoys spanking me.
10) Feeling small and not in control.

TOP 10 THINGS THAT I LOVE ABOUT BEING SUBMISSIVE:

1) Working daily on all the changes required of me.
2) Letting things go.
3) Realizing that i'm not who i was.
4) Knowing that He enjoys spanking me.
5) Feeling small and not in control.
6) Subspace.
7) Following Him.
8) Being put in my place.
9) Finally feeling like a real person.
10) Finally feeling like i matter.

Sometimes, it's a double edge sword. But then again, anything worth anything isn't easy.

i am kind of proud of myself this morning. Last night, i was mad at G. i was able to stop it before i let myself get out of control and i was able to verbalize what i was mad about. That's about the only thing i did right. i broke several rules, but i am proud of myself for being able to talk.

i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Monday, He took the day off from work to spend it with me. It was a wonderful day - lots of spanking, clothespins, pussy torture, bondage and fucking - oh yes! much fucking. He spanked me more than i have ever been spanked. my backside looks like some kind of road map, still covered with bruises every shade of box of 64 Crayolas. It's still kind of sore too, but i can't help pulling my pants down every chance i get and looking in the mirror. Each time i do, i get all excited. Wanting more. Although, He has said it will be a few days before He spanks me again to let me heal. We had talked about how He had not spanked me till i cry. The only reason i could come up with that i hadn't cried yet - because the pain has certainly been great enough before that i SHOULD have cried - was that i was afraid if i cried, He would stop, thinking that i had taken all i could, but too stubborn to use my safeword. He explained to me that there was only one way to make Him stop and that was to use my safeword. Oh. He really does take this stuff seriously. Aha! moment.

G devised a bar across a doorway in our bedroom so He could tie me to it. So, i was strung up in the doorway and spanked till i cried. And cried and cried. A wide plastic spatula from the Dollar Tree, a wooden spoon and the whip did the trick. It was spectacular. my flesh was on fire, but i didn't want Him to stop. i could feel the welts on my skin, the blood pumping to the various areas trying to protect them. (And by the way, do not flex your hamstring just before a blow from a wooden spoon lands. It hurts a LOT! Just relax and go with it.) After this incredible spanking, after clothespins being placed on my inner thighs and my pussy, after being brought to the edge of orgasm and denied several times, i was deep into sub-space. And then my mouth opened and i couldn't shut up.

i began telling G things about myself that i had never shared before. Things that He had no idea about me. i told Him all kinds of sexual things that i did before we were ever together, about how much i used to love masturbating, about how pain has always been a stimulant for me. Just anything that came into my head that i thought He should know, sexual or not, just kept spouting out of my mouth. More and more layers peeled away, letting Him deeper and deeper into this vortex that is me. i was crying and talking. Crying out of fear that He would think "Do what? You're a freak!" Crying because i felt so comfortable that i finally felt like i could talk and tell Him all these things. Crying as a way to further cleanse myself along with all the things i was sharing.

Because of this, i feel very vulnerable. There are so many things "out there" now. The more time that goes by, the less ability i have to build walls and defenses. It's very scary. All my nerve endings seem to be on high alert. Feeling like i'm naked in the middle of a crowd. Everything is so intensified. i feel like i need to keep asking Him "Do You still love me?" just to make sure He still accepts me. He is extremely excited about my sharing everything with Him. It must be quite a victory for Him to realize He's FINALLY broken my shell. And there are so many more things i want to share with Him. Just stupid things - like how i got the scar on my chin, how old i was when i first started shaving my legs, what my first kiss was like. i could just sit and babble and babble and babble till i drove Him nuts. It's as if a dam has broken and i'm ready to ride the waves as they roar down the hillside. But, i'm...still...scared...a...little...bit.

So, now i feel like an emotional basket case. i'm in panic mode. No defenses, no walls, no barriers, no troops heading out to protect me. Emotionally raw. Happy, but raw. Which brings me to last night.

The older boy had a band concert, at the same time the younger boy had baseball practice. G went to the concert and i went to baseball practice. They were in a rush to leave, and G didn't say good-bye to me or kiss me. Normally, this would not have bothered me, but, my current state feels like PMS times 10. It made me very sad. It was nothing really. While i was at baseball practice, i had the creeping feeling, like i used to have when things were so bad between us, that He would not be here when i got home. A friend of His had called the night before wanting Him to come over, but it was late, so He didn't go. i knew that He was going to go last night without Him even telling me. And that is not big deal. That is cool with me. i'm a big girl, and i DO NOT mind G going to visit friends. It ain't no thing but a chicken wing. We have a great circle of friends and spend as much time with them as we can. But the feeling of driving up to the house, not seeing His truck, coming in the house and having the older boy tell me where He had gone, was too much like things used to be. When He didn't want to come home. When He couldn't stand to be around me. When we couldn't stand to be around each other. When both of us were wanting to want to be with each other, but neither of us wanted to admit it to the other. When we had completely separate lives. When we weren't close like we are now. When we had grown so far apart. When He would leave before i got home from work and not come back until He was damn good and ready.

Panic magnified! Everything that we had worked on and shared, going away. Threatened. Naked. Vulnerable. Terrified. i don't want anything that even resembles the way we were. All it would have taken was a phone call from Him to say, just dropped the kid off, i'm going to P's, the concert was great, I'll be home at such and such - anything. But the way it played out, left me feeling like i was nothing. Not even worthy of a simple phone call. Just a basic consideration. A common courtesy between husband and wife, or anyone for that matter. Sent me into an emotional tornado. i didn't know what to do except shake and pace, feeling sick at my stomach. i didn't know how to handle it. Was i mad, was i hurt, was i sad, was i lonely, was i upset? i didn't know what i was feeling, except panic.

When G got home, and got ready for bed, i pulled my "i'm going downstairs to load the dryer" defense to get away from Him. i couldn't even look at Him. He told me to "Come here." which was met with a "WHAT?!" and was countered with a stern "Never mind." which got a hair flip, foot stomp and a "Good!" followed by a stomping down the stairs. Once i got downstairs, i began cleaning the kitchen. In the past, this was my therapy. If i was mad, instead of saying what i was mad about, i'd slam cabinet doors, throw the dishes into the dishwasher, scrub the counters - anything to try and channel that anger. This was also a way to push G's buttons. All my slamming and noise making and exaggerated scrubbing would piss Him off to no end. i would force Him into confrontation. That way, He would yell at me first, telling me to stop slamming things. So i could yell back at Him. Sometimes actually mentioning the thing i was mad about, more often times just screaming and letting Him have it for the sake of letting Him have it.

But this is what i'm proud of myself for...as i was loading the dishwasher, i realized i was clenching my teeth and my hands were shaking and i was slamming the dishes into the washer. i was able to catch myself, reel it in and get control of it. i decided i was coming upstairs and tell G what i was mad about. i went over it in my head, so i could get it out in as few as sentences as possible. Harness it and control it. And that's what i did. i opened the bedroom door and said "i already knew You would not be here when i got home...i just thought i might warrant a phone call instead of the boys telling me where You were like before." Didn't get the whole point across, but at least it was something. He ignored me, which was ok. i don't even know if He was awake to hear me. i was not looking for Him to talk to me. i just needed to say it. i had to force myself to do it. Decided that whatever happened afterward could not be as bad as holding it in.

And you know what? i actually felt better after i did it. Not happy. Not feeling like anything had been resolved, but glad that i did it. i went back downstairs and sat on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket and began to cry. Probably just more of that emotional release. Just not knowing which emotions (or emotions) i was feeling, but able to get a hold of myself before i let it get out of control. But then i really messed up and fell asleep on the couch.

So, this morning, my Rule Book was left opened for my review. There have also been quite a few new rules added. G still hasn't spoken to me, and He left this morning without saying good-bye. i am assuming this is part of my punishment. But i can't help but feel good. i know it sounds silly, stupid and small, but what i accomplished last night is HUGE. It's a true milestone for me. i'm getting there. i know tonight i will have to sit down and talk this out with G. Or rather, i will be sat down and talked to by G. But it's ok. i woke up this morning, and i wasn't still mad. i got it off my chest. i didn't let it swirl around in my head and get bigger and bigger and get out of control. i was able to stop the panic, the anger and the hurt, without breaking anything or burying the emotions into the pit of my stomach or get into a screaming match with G over something that had nothing to do with what i was mad about last night.

His not calling me is not big deal to Him BECAUSE i NEVER TOLD HIM HOW MUCH IT BOTHERS ME. i know i'm in trouble - big time fucking trouble. There are maybe 4 rules on the list that i didn't break yesterday. But i talked. i'm confident that i can talk calmly and rationally tonight (if allowed of course - i may end up spending the night in the closet by myself) and get my thoughts out clearly and calmly.